I wasn’t trying to make a super offensive blog post here but I’m not sure how you make an irreverent blog post about rape & abortion and keep it non-offensive. Then I realized there is absolutely nothing I can write that is more offensive than the actual Republican legislation being proposed because in a sane world no elected official would be so dumb/horrible to even propose it. So I decided to just wallow in Republican thought and see what came out, as a result this is like so fucking offensive and I am just warning you now that you will probably be offended and also here is a heads up about how I don’t give a fuck.
Based on recent proposed Republican legislation you might be wondering what exactly the GOP is trying to accomplish with all these seemingly anti-woman, pro-forced breeding bills. The easy answer is probably something like: Republicans are mostly unrepentant monsters incapable of empathy who view women as fundamentally inferior creatures of questionable value to their political careers who they think are constantly being total slutty teases that are asking for it and having tons of abortions for fun on the taxpayer’s dime. Well that’s the easy answer but is there more to this? I can’t say with 100% certainty but I have spent time “connecting the dots” as it were and I’ve come up with 3 possible scenarios that could play out if the GOP gets the chance to move this legislation into law.
Proposal 1: Rape Spree
Gentlemen Start Your Engines
Now let’s be clear. I’m not saying the GOP is definitely planning a coast to coast federally backed rampaging rape spree. I am just saying, that if I were a lawmaker and my lawmaker bros and I wanted to perpetrate some consequence free rape hopefully leading to turning some drugged and/or mentally disabled sexy ladies into helpless brood mares, that proposing legislation to allow us to do as such would be a great place to start. Let me just play Devil’s Advocate here. We can all agree that forcible rape is a bad thing & no one wants to further traumatize a victim of sexual violence by forcing them to serve as an incubator for a potential child they may or may not want to raise; but what about retarded girls? Couldn’t the GOP rape some retarded ladies and make them carry their babies? How about if a guy drugs the lady up first? I mean how traumatic can a rape be if you aren’t awake for it? Think about it from the GOP’s point of view, a sexy lady takes a little rohypnol nap & wakes up with a uninvited bun in the oven, miracle of life, what is more beautiful than that? Or what if a certain Republican congressman (who shall remain nameless) wants to rape & impregnate his 18 year old daughter? You can’t just let her use federal money to get an abortion, I mean, what is the point of waiting until your daughter is 18 to impregnate her if she can just wham bam thank you Dr. Abortion at the tax payer’s expense? Or how about statutory rape? Is it the GOP’s fault that a minor is really easy to coerce into being violated by an adult? And what about Date Rape, (aka probably not really rape amirite?) if a woman goes on a date with you she’s basically agreeing to have your penis in her so she can carry your baby to term, that is not the GOP’s problem, that is just how society works. Come on, meet them halfway here, that is only like 70% of rapes there. They are still totally cool with you aborting the offspring of your rapist if it was mega forcible & you were in control of all your faculties or if you are like 12 years old or if you are about to die. So you look at it from the GOP’s point of view the best choice here, so that we can all get this rape spree on the road is if we just redefine rape for the good of everyone (i.e. rapists).
Sub-Proposal 1: Law & Order SVU Live!
Then again maybe no one in the GOP is planning a forced breeding field trip to Rapetown, so maybe they just really love hearing about rape? I mean, if we are going back to the way the legal system previously handled rape cases (aka The Good Old Days, aka the 1800s) a woman would have to prove the level of rape she experienced in order for the judge & jury to determine the proper punishment, if any. In cases of forcible rape (aka the hottest kind) there is no set legal standard so all those sexy raped pregnant ladies will get their day in court to appeal for federal “forcibly raped” standing and some lucky bastards are going to get to hear all the dirty details of the application process. In this case all the GOP is asking is that you put a little pepper on that rape. Really give a good show of it, fight back hard and don’t stop screaming halfway through like a lazy slut. Maybe bring some witnesses to your rape, preferably a lawyer with a video camera. And definitely don’t comply with your rapists demands for fear of your safety or ask that your rapist wear a condom because that is just boring & if the GOP wanted to hear about boring non-ultra violent rapes they wouldn’t need this kind of legislation.
Proposal 2: (Technically) No Homo?
On the other hand the GOP might be playing the long game. Make abortions practically impossible to get now and down the road we can go back to criminalizing it. Pair that with endless rape party legislation and maybe in 30 years most if not all women could be either in protective custody popping out babies or in jail for obtaining abortions illegally. With all the ladies out of the picture men would have no choice but to hook up with other men, but it wouldn’t be technically gay, because gay is a choice & it’s not like there would be any choice but other guys. So by default dudes doing dudes would be the new straight. Then Republicans can get all the hot tight man ass they constantly crave while still being rabidly anti-gay. It is like the best of both worlds, if both worlds involve fucking guys. Maybe that seems like a lot of trouble to go through with a lot of human collateral damage just to satisfy their hypocrisy and it is, which is why it’s probably the most likely scenario.
Proposal 3: Youngest Republicans
Well maybe I’m focusing too much on all the pro-rape aspects of Republican backed legislation, after all what this is really all about is the children. Republicans have long been vehemently against abortion. Not because without legally protected reproductive rights women can again be treated as chattel with no say in when they can be bred but because each fertilized egg is a fully formed soul just waiting in mama’s belly for Jesus to form their adorable little (hopefully white male) bodies. The Republicans have long billed themselves as the party of Life because of their unwavering determination that every potential American will be born, whether or not the vessel containing that potential American wants to cooperate. Now no plan is perfect and we have to admit that the GOP has faced some difficulty in extending that passion for a human’s welfare beyond the womb and in some cases gone a little overboard with the whole no food or school for poor kids bills, death penalty free-for-all support that, on the surface, seems to contradict their pro-human stance claims. However, they are really into the first 9 months and you have to start somewhere right?
Blastocysts have more rights than women because of Jesus/Magic
Perhaps (perhaps!) this is all part of a brilliant voter registration pull. Think about it, a woman produces about 400 potentially viable eggs in her lifetime, that narrows down to only about 40 potential live births (give or take like 30), but if you put aside the rights of the woman (aka egg carrier) you have at least 40 potential new Republican voters at the cost of only one woman, do the math here people it is such a good deal. The next step would of course be to give these potential Americans the right to vote, preferably before neuromaturation occurs around the 7th month of pregnancy, because all fetuses vote Republican before the 30th week of pregnancy by virtue of not having a fully formed cerebral cortex yet. Don’t you see? It’s so simple.
Abortion is murder, unlike actual murder which is kinda legal now in places like South Dakota I guess.
Cars That Go Boom 